


The Talk

by Daovihi



Series: People are dying and everything's on fire because of a sex toy [3]
Category: Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sexual Content, before you know it all of toussant's gonna be traumatized, everyone's gonna be traumatized, geralt is an idiot part 2, gratuitous cameo, hey look a sequel, i didnt even mean to write angst but here we are, no porn in this one either but regis gets porn, traumatized baby, traumatized bb, traumatized regis, why is regis even living with geralt?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-02-05
Packaged: 2018-09-19 14:06:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9444737
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daovihi/pseuds/Daovihi
Summary: Seeing how Geralt and Regis are now together, the "grandmother" of Corvo Bianco decides to discuss something with them about something very important to know if you're going through puberty. However, Geralt and Regis are hardly pubescent anymore, and they're totally not dating each other, either.





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

 

"So, boys, a little birdie told me you're a couple."

 

Marlene sat at the main table, directly opposite of Regis and Geralt. Next to her were some medium-sized sheets of paper, facing downwards. Regis shifted uncomfortably in his seat, while Geralt stared straight at Marlene, not betraying his emotions to her.

 

"Since you two are growing up and you're now dating, I figured I should tell you about a few super secret adult things."

 

"We're not a couple." Geralt retorted after a while.

 

"Of course you aren't." Marlene said in a tone that said "I know you're lying but I'm not going to call you out on it because I think this is going to be hilarious." "Buuut I figured that you two should know these little things just in case."

 

"Marlene, what is the meaning of this?" Regis asked.

 

"I was just about to get to that."

 

"Just get going already." Geralt grumbled. The sooner she was done talking, the sooner he would be free to leave.

 

"So," Marlene continued. "You may have heard about adults doing certain activities that, when you ask them about them, they either clam up or tell you that you'll find out when you're older."

 

"Marlene, we know about-" Geralt was cut off by Marlene shushing him.

 

"Hush, boy. Anyway, I figured that you're old enough to know what these activities are." Marlene picked up the papers next to her and flipped the top paper over, revealing a poorly drawn bird and a cartoonish bee. "They are often called, "the birds and the bees.""

 

Geralt and Regis sat there dumbfounded. Why would this woman assume they didn't even know what sex was after the Gold Stick Incident? Is she suffering from Alzheimer's? Or is she just messing with them again? Regis was morbidly curious about this, so he decided to stick around, and Geralt…

 

Let's just say he didn't really have a choice in the matter.

 

"The vast majority of people, however, simply refer to it as "sex," so when you're discussing this with friends, it's best to refer to it as that. Have you heard of sex before?" Marlene asked.

 

Geralt sighed. "Yes. We're both intimately acquainted with sex."

 

Marlene ignored him and put the paper she was holding down on the table away from the rest of the pages and picked up a new one, this one depicting two stick figures holding hands, with a heart floating just above and between them. "You see, when two people reaaalllly love each other, they go to their bed, slide under the covers to keep themselves nice and toasty, and then they do a fun little dance."

 

"Why are you even bothering with this? If you're bored, I can buy you some puzzles or games or something." Geralt stated, exasperatingly. His forehead gained wrinkles, and he massaged his temples.

 

"Now now, I know you're grossed out by kissing and cooties and such, but this is stuff you need to know about if you two want to have a little baby of your own."

 

Regis burst out laughing, from the implication that he and Geralt could make babies, that he and Geralt was able to have babies in the first place, the "talk" that they were getting as though they were children, and from the sheer awkwardness of it all.

 

"I will explain that in due time, dearie. In the meantime, what do you know about the differences between boys and girls?" Marlene put down her paper.

 

"…That basically they have different genitalia and they go through puberty differently." Sighed Regis.

 

"Go on."

 

"In puberty, males generally obtain deeper voices," Regis glanced at Geralt. "And they get more muscular. Females, on the other hands, obtain breasts and have their fat redistributed."

 

"Very good, Regis. Here, have this." Marlene reached under the table and grabbed a pornographic novel, which she promptly gave to Regis. Regis put it aside to read at a later date. She then picked up a sketch depicting highly detailed renditions of the naked male and female bodies. Geralt noted that Regis started staring at the sketches with a very slight grin that you could only see if you were paying very close attention to his face. "To continue off of what Regis said, boys and girls have different parts, and when they go through what is called "puberty," these parts become even more different. Puberty is what happens when your body starts growing up. There are a lot of changes that happen. You get body hair, body odor, and you start feeling things you haven't before."

 

"Okay, I get it. You want to make us feel awkward, and you successfully did that. Can you get these chains off me now?" Geralt had his wrists and ankles bound by shackles made of dimeritum, and the wrist shackles were tighly chained to the legs of the table by chains also made of dimeritum. (How Marlene managed to get a hold of these, or how she managed to incapacitate him long enough to bind him, he would never know.) Regis, however, was not being kept here against his will, but rather he was here because BB offered to give him lots and lots of porn if he listened to EVERYTHING Marlene had to say. Naturally, he accepted.

 

"You may have felt some of these changes yourselves. For example, Geralt here discovered the benefits of the Gold Stick of Joy as a stress relief device."

 

\-------------

 

_Geralt sat in his lab and studied the object in his hands. He had never seen such an object before Marlene gifted it to him. He has been sitting in the same spot for over an hour, but he just couldn't see how it was supposed to bring joy to the holder. He glanced over to his notes._

_"Maybe there's something I missed." He thought aloud. He grabbed his notes and started rereading them for the umpteenth time. "Hard, long, flared base, and according to Marlene, grasped firmly by the "shaft" as she calls it… Not related to magic either, by the looks of it." He finished reading his notes, put them in a neat pile, and then placed them back on the table. Suddenly, Geralt had an epiphany._

_"Wait a minute, I haven't done any tests where I put this in my mouth. Maybe that's the key to discovering what exactly it does." And so, Geralt put the Gold Stick of Joy in his mouth, small end first..._

_And then immediately choked when he put the Stick too far in, too fast._

_Geralt gagged and pulled the Stick out. After he recovered, he inserted the Stick into his mouth again, albeit more slowly this time. The triangular part of the Stick was lazily lying down on his tongue, while the rest was being supported by Geralt's hands. Geralt moved his tongue around the Stick, moving his head back and forth. He moaned. It felt good, doing whatever the hell this was. He pulled the Stick out with a wet "pop" and wrote "possible stress reliever" in his notes._

_Meanwhile, BB was passing by the lab to get some wine from the cellar to serve  to Regis due to him seeming very stressed out as of late. The first time he walked past the lab he ignored it as he knew Geralt was studying a sex toy with great interest for some time, but the second time he passed by he glanced in as he walked past to see Geralt studying the Stick… with his mouth…_

_BB backpedaled to make sure he wasn't seeing things. There, in all his glory, was Geralt sucking off a golden dildo. BB rubbed his eyes, but the image was still there. BB stood there until Geralt stopped fellating, then he speedwalked away._

_When BB got to the safety of his room, he sat on his bed, completely traumatized by what he saw. He curled up into a ball and started crying._

_But hey, at least Marlene owes him five crowns._

 

\---------------

 

All was silent. Marlene struggled to contain her laughter. Regis was shocked. And Geralt suddenly thought the table was extremely interesting.

 

"You did WHAT?!?!?!" Regis exclaimed.

 

"I didn't even know what it was!"

 

"You were performing fellatio on it!"

 

"Children, please, calm down. If Geralt enjoyed it and if it didn't hurt anyone, then who are we to judge him?" Marlene told the men in the comforting voice of a grandmother giving her grandchildren cookies, tucking them into bed, and reading them stories about how a hero slew a dragon and saved the day.

 

"Wait a minute, how did you even know I did that?" Geralt took on a suspicious tone.

 

"I found BB naked, drunk and on the roof and he told me everything. So I went down to see for myself, and, wouldn't you know it, Geralt walked up to me and asked if the Gold Stick was a "stress relief device" as he put it." Marlene chuckled a bit at the memory. "I laughed at him and told him it could be a stress reliever, then he muttered and scratched something out on a piece of paper."

 

"Geralt…" Regis gasped.

 

"Can we please move on from that?" Sighed Geralt.

 

"Alright, alright. So, as I was saying before we got side-tracked," Marlene proceeded with her lesson. "This, on the left, is a boy after puberty, and the one on the right is a girl after puberty. Notice how the girl has these weird lumps on her chest? These are called "breasts," also known as "tits," "boobs," and "boobies." They have a special function: to feed itty biity babies by putting one of the dark spots, called "nipples," into their mouths and then letting the baby suck on them. When the baby sucks on them, they make special milk designed to feed the baby that comes out of the nipple. Boys don't have boobs, so they can't feed babies."

 

"Uh huh, that's unfortunate." Regis said awkwardly.

 

"This, right here, is called a vagina, and this is called a penis. They are pretty much essential to sex, but I'll get to why in a minute." Marlene, instead of discarding the paper, put it on the table face-up and slid it towards the men with a wink. She showed them a different paper, this time with two stick figures kissing in a bed. "Sex itself is kind of like partnered exercise. It's fun, but can leave you exhausted. You see, sex is when two people, usually a man and a woman, get together and stimulate each other's genitals- your private parts- to experience feelings of euphoria, kind of like when you win at a game against a really tough opponent but you both win."

 

"We're grown men, we don't-" Regis attempted to speak, but Marlene ignored him.

 

"If a boy wants to have sex badly enough, his penis will start being hard and will rise up. This is called a "boner." With someone that consents, he puts his boner into use by, usually, putting it in a vagina, an anus, or a mouth. However, a vagina is meant for putting things into. When a woman wants to have sex, her vagina will start getting really wet. Tongues, fingers, and, of course, boners typically go inside one. All that I just explained is how sex is usually defined, but sometimes-"

 

"I've heard enough, please let me go." Geralt almost begged. Regis reached over to break the shackles and free him, but Marlene smacked his hand away. Regis, being a gentleman in all situations, took the hint and kept his hands to himself, much to the annoyance and disappointment of Geralt.

 

"Geralt, you were the one who wandered around with a dildo in hand asking everyone what it was." Marlene chided.

 

\-----------

_Geralt left the cellar, looking completely defeated. He had failed to figure out just what kind of joy the Gold Stick provides. And on top of that, Marlene laughed at him. He looked at the Stick, which he was holding in his hand._

_"So if you're not a stress reliever, then what are you?" Geralt muttered to himself. "Hmmm, you're several centuries old. Maybe I should ask the older servants about you. They might know something about you."_

_Unfortunately, an old woman that happened to be in Geralt's direct line of sight was the first to be interrogated._

_"Hey, you! I've been told that this," Geralt holds up the stick. "Brings joy to those who wield it. You know anything about that?"_

_"Oh ho ho! Please, I'm flattered, but you're too young for me."_

_Geralt, feeling like he was missing something, nodded and walked away. He saw another elderly servant, this time an old man with a cane._

_"You! Could you tell me what-?" Geralt was interrupted by the old man smacking him upside the head with the cane._

_"Don't you wave that thing around! That's highly inappropriate! What if children were here?" The old man yelled._

_Geralt apologised and walked away, even more confused than before. He repeated this cycle with all of the old servants to varying results, none of them answering his question._

_"Why won't any of them answer my questions? Do I smell bad?" Geralt sniffed his armpit, thankful to know that it wasn't smelly for an armpit. "I don't think it's my scent. Is it just because they're old?" Figuring he wasn't going to get any answers from the older servants, he started asking the younger servants._

_None of them were any more helpful than the old servants. In fact, they were even more vague about the Stick's purpose. All of them gave inappropriate answers to his questions._

_"I just remembered, I have a lot of work to do. Bye!"_

_"I-I, umm… sorryineedtogonow."_

_"I need to take a piss."_

_"I'm too young to be feeling this old!"_

_"*intense crying*"_

_"Get that thing away from me before I stab you in the balls."_

_Geralt could not comprehend why everyone was acting strangely towards him. After all, he was simply asking a question._

_"Maybe BB knows. He's friends with Marlene." Geralt entered his house to find BB standing in the corner looking like a creeper like he usually does 24/7, but this time he was swaying slightly, and his pants and overshirt was missing. "BB! …Why are you standing around like that?"_

_"I lost my clothes." BB's words were slurred, and his breath smelled of alcohol._

_Figuring it was best not to ask, Geralt changed the subject. "You know what kind of joy this brings?"_

_When BB saw the Stick, he went through the Five Stages of Grief. War flashbacks to when Geralt was "playing" with the Stick sped through his mind. He could still hear Geralt's moans._

_"I believe that is a meat softener, master Geralt." BB adjusted his glasses to hide the fact that he was about to cry._

_"I didn't ask what this was. I asked what kind of joy this brings."_

_"I-I was under the impression you knew, sir."_

_"I'm trying to figure that out." When Geralt said that, BB started crying uncontrollably. "BB! What's wrong?"_

_When BB shook his head, Geralt wrapped his arms around him, pulling him into a hug. BB cried even harder._

_"Shh, it's okay. It's okay. You don't have to tell me anything."_

_"BSHAODHHDHNENNNN!!!" BB shouted unintelligibly._

_"What?"_

_BB pulled himself out of the hug and ran away screaming. As he ran out the door, a sleep-deprived servant with a broomstick in one hand and a crying baby in the other walked in._

_"What's with him?" She tiredly asked._

_"I don't know." Geralt remembered that she was pregnant as of a few weeks ago. She must have given birth recently. "Need some help?"_

_"No thanks, I -yawn- don't wish to bother you."_

_"You clearly need rest. And I know a thing or two about taking care of children."_

_"I appreciate your concern, but-"_

_"No no, I insist. I'll take care of the child while you get some sleep."_

_"Thank you sir. I appreciate it." She handed the wailing baby to Geralt and then proceeded to walk out the door with her broom._

_When Geralt was alone with the baby, he realised that while he knows how to deal with five-year-olds and older children, he has no idea how to tale care of a newborn. Geralt adjusted the baby so that they were laying down on his arm, head supported. He sniffed the baby, and, smelling no sign of the need to change diapers, started bouncing the baby, which only made them cry even harder._

_"Jeez, I'm making everyone cry today. Do you need to be Axii'd? No, what am I saying? You're a baby. I can't do that to you." Geralt thought for a minute on how to calm the baby. "Are you hungry? Let's go to the kitchen."_

_Geralt carried the baby to the kitchen, where he searched the cubboards. His search turned up goat's milk and bread. He grabbed those and went back to the living/dining room, where the main table resides. He sat down and set both items down. He tore off a chunk of bread, dunked it in the goat's milk, and held it to the baby's mouth._

_"Alright kid, here's your meal. Eat up." The baby pulled away from the hand, and continued to do so when Geralt tried to put the soaked bread in their mouth. "Dammit. Guess you're not hungry after all. Maybe you're just bored."_

_Geralt, figuring it was best not to let the food go to waste, ate the bread in his hand and looked around for something to entertain the baby with. He saw the Gold Stick and grabbed it._

_"Hey, you want something to do?" When the baby saw the Stick, they stopped crying and reached for the Stick. "You interested in this, huh? You know what it does? Is it for babies?" The baby didn't respond. They just grabbed the Stick and started giggling._

_Just then, Regis entered the building. He looked at Geralt with an unreadable expression._

_"Geralt."_

_"Yes?"_

_"Why are you giving that to a baby?"_

_"They seem to like it."_

_"… You shoudn't fucking give that to a baby!" When Regis raised his voice, the baby started crying and screaming again._

_"Oh for the love of…" Geralt pushed the Stick into Regis' hands. "Hold that while I comfort the baby."_

_"Geralt, there's something I think you should know about thaaaaaaaat…" Regis trailed off when the Stick was forced into his hands. "Why do you do this to me, Geralt?"_

_Regis watched as Geralt walked around, shushing the baby and attempting to calm them down. However, he barely processsd that as he was trying to process the fact that there was a literal dildo in his hands. He stared at the Stick, barely holding onto it enough to keep it from falling._

_"So why don't you want me giving the Stick to a baby?" Geralt asked Regis once he got the baby to calm down. He got no response. "Here, I'll take that back. I won't give it to the baby again." Geralt grabbed the Stick and set it on the table._

_Regis, without moving the rest of his body, slowly turned and walked towards the nearest washbasin. When he reaches it, he began to aggressively wash his hands, in complete contrast to his behavior just before._

_"Maybe I've been going about this all wrong. What if…" Geralt watched as Regis practically scrubbed the skin off his hands. "…the Stick is meant to repel vampires? It's convuluted, but it could bring joy by ensuring the bearer is safe from vampire attacks." He turned his head towards the baby in his arms. "What do you think? Should I test my little theory out?" The baby cooed and giggled. "I'll take that as a yes."_

 

\------------

 

"Honestly Geralt, you made a complete and utter fool of yourself that day. People are talking about it left and right and I doubt it'll stop for weeks." Marlene commented.

 

"At least we can look back on it and laugh." Regis added.

 

"No we can't." Geralt's voice was slightly muffled by him somehow managing to press his into face into the table.

 

"Oh don't worry, sonny. You'll stop being embarrassed by this one day. It could take years, but someday you'll laugh with the rest of us."

 

"At least the child won't remember you babysitting them while waving the stick around."

 

Actually, the child would remember. Despite not being bothered by it at the time, they were so intensely traumatized by the incident that they needed years and years of therapy to recover from it, and even then the sight of phallic-shaped objects colored gold gives them shivers down their spine.

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

 

 

"Oh Regis, I wish I saw your face when you saw Geralt handing the Stick to a baby. I would pay in solid gold to capture that moment in time forever."

 

"His face looked neutral. Probably from shock, come to think of it."

 

"Ah, bummer. At least it was fun to imagine." Marlene, instead of simply discarding her card, slid it towards the men with a wink. "So, moving on… what were we talking about before we got sidetracked?"

 

"The types of sex itself." Regis was in a better mood now that he's had a good laugh at Geralt's expense.

 

"Thank you, Regis! Here, have some more porn." Marlene grabbed another pornographic novel, which looked to be from the same series as the last one, from under the table and gave it to Regis. Regis put it aside.

 

"Alright, so sometimes, it doesn't involve sticking a penis in anything, or even a penis. Sometimes, it just involes rubbing a boner against some part of the skin, like a hand for example." Marlene picked up a paper depicting a pregnant woman. "When a man and a woman have sex, and the man puts his boner inside the woman's vagina, sometimes the woman gets pregnant. When a woman is pregnant, that means there's a baby growing inside her tummy. After nine months of growing and growing, the baby will eventually want out. The baby will begin a process called "labor," which pushes the baby out. At the end of labor, the baby will come out of the mommy's tummy and will officially be born. Now, labor takes several hours and is really, really painful, so make sure you treat all mommies and mommies-to-be with respect and dignity."

 

"I've assisted in the birthing process. I know how horrible it is." Regis stated plainly.

 

"Me too." Geralt stopped doing his impression of an ostrich to lift his head from the table and properly speak.

 

"Okay, I won't go on about that anymore." Marlene clasped her hands in front of her. "Sooo… Before people have sex, or even start officially being together, they go through a process called "courting," or "dating." Courting is when you try to woo someone with the goal of marriage in mind, and dating is like courting, but it's more casual and it doesn't necessarily set the goal of marriage. Courting is considered to be old-fashioned, but it's a valid form of flirting, one which I personally consider to be extremely romantic. In both dating and courting, you generally give gifts, such as flowers and candied fruits, to the person you're into and if they're interested in you too, then the both of you go on romantic outings together. If you two ever need advice, feel free to come talk to me anytime. I won't judge you; I was quite the matchmaker back in my day."

 

"I'll… keep that in mind." Regis muttered.

 

"Oh, and Geralt?" Marlene tapped Geralt on the head.

 

"What?"

 

"I know you're interested in someone, and that you've been trying to woo them. If you ask me, you're coming onto them way too strongly."

 

\------

 

_Geralt laid in wait for Regis to come by. He was performing an experiment to see if the Gold Stick of Joy could act as a vampire repellant by positioning it in various locations and seeing if Regis reacts, and how. Both Geralt and the Gold Stick were hiding in the main hall, with the Stick concealed in a vase close to the table, and Geralt himself was taking cover behind an armor stand that only held gauntlets on it. The other two armor stands held up a full suit of armor each, but Geralt chose the one that would barely hide him at best because, as he put it, Regis would never suspect he was hiding in such a bad spot when there are multiple good hiding spots next to it._

 

_Geralt heard the door open and he crouched down, not that it would have done him much good. Apparantly Regis' highly enhanced senses had already sniffed him out, for he was looking directly at Geralt. Geralt and Regis simultaneously cursed under their breath, albeit for very different reasons._

 

_"Good thing I brought my mandrake cordial." Regis muttered. He sat down at the table directly across from the vase containing han fiber and the beautiful yellow flower called the Gold Stick of Joy by herbalists, alchemists, and botanists. Regis grabbed the hooch from his pouch, opened the bottle, and knocked back the alcohol. When he put the bottle down, he saw that the golden flowers are blooming in one particular vase. Regis groaned, recorked the bottle, put it back in its rightful place, and left._

 

_Geralt pulled a pencil and notepad out of nowhere and wrote "regis reacted to stick by groaning and leaving. unknown if he saw the stick. test considered a success. need to perform more tests to confirm hypothesis."_

 

\-------

 

"You drive me to drink, Geralt." Regis pinched the bridge of his nose.

 

Geralt groaned.

 

"Now now, don't pick on Geralt. He didn't know he was crossing a line." Marlene chided.

 

"He did the same thing to me several times!" Regis shouted.

 

"Geralt's still learning how to flirt. Be patient with him."

 

Geralt groaned louder.

 

"I know, I know. You're embarassed over all this. Don't worry, I'll help you out with any romantic or sexual pursuits, as long as I'm not the object of your desire. I know I'm attractive, but I'm simply not interested in a relationship."

 

"Marleeeene, don't." Geralt whined.

 

"Shh, we need to continue the lesson." Marlene reached under her to the left and lifted a duffel bag onto the table. Marlene untied the knot that kept it closed, opened the bag, and then took out the contents and laid them on the table. They were… interesting, to say the least.

 

Laid out on the table were some ropes, shackles and chain, a horse beater, some odd object, and last but not least, the Gold Stick of Joy. If it were possible for Regis to get any paler than he naturally is, he would have when he saw the Stick.

 

"Sex toys, also known as adult toys, are things used to masturbate with, and to enhance sex with a partner. This," Marlene pointed to the odd object, a black knife-like thing that had a round and extremly small handle. "is a butt plug. You put it into, well, butts. You hold it by the round end, and the pointy end goes into the butt."

 

"The tiny little ring here is called a cock ring. It's worn on the penis to delay orgasm. What is orgasm, you might ask? Well, an orgasm is what happens when you're having sex and it's so good that there's this tension inside of you, and the tension keeps growing until it bursts inside of you and is unleashed all at once, similar to how it feels after holding in your pee for a really long time you finally get to potty."

 

"These bad boys right here," Marlene rattled the chains and shackles and picked up the ropes. "these are used to restrain people. Normally, these isn't used in sex - rather, they're used to keep people restrained against their will. However, sometimes people want to be restrained during sex because they like the feeling it provides. Being restrained can provide a feeling of, hmm… loss of control. It can be liberating, in a sort of way. I don't really know for myself, since I've always tied people up, but that's the general idea with being tied up. Before tying someone up or being tied up, however, you have to get the other person's full, informed consent to the act. If they're hesitant or unsure, don't go through with it. If they say no, DEFINATELY don't go through with it." Marlene picked up the horse beater. "Now this, I call a flogger. You smack people on the butt with it. Same thing as the restraints goes for this one."

 

Geralt caught sight of Marlene eyeing up the Stick. He mouthed "no" to Marlene, but she either didn't see him or she ignored him, and so she picked up the Stick.

 

"And last, but not least, the dildo, my favourite sex toy. As you can probably tell, these are shaped like penises. They also act like penises in the way that they go into the same things penises do, like vaginas, buttholes," Marlene brought the head of the Stick to Regis' mouth. "Mouths. Personally, I liked sticking as much as I can up my vagina and rotating it in circles. But, as Geralt already knows, it's also great to stick in your mouth and suck on." Geralt groaned. "See? he liked it so much it gives him great pleasure just thinking about it."

 

"Now, I need to emphasize something real quick. Using one of these doesn't mean you're inadequate or pathetic or anything. It just means that you tried one of them. If you liked them, great! If not, that's too bad. But for fucks sake Geralt, do not put these in people's bags for them to find in public!"

 

\-----------

 

_"Geralt, I have to go soon."_

 

_"Tell Dett I said hello."_

 

_Regis smoothed out his hair and put on his coat. He was planning to meet up with his best friend and blood brother, Detlaff, for breakfast. It had been a while since they had last seen each other, and Regis was eager to talk with him again. A lot had happened._

 

_"Geralt, where is my bag?" Regis looked around for his bag._

 

_"I don't know." Geralt blurted. He, in fact, did know, but he didn't want Regis finding the bag yet for various reasons._

 

_"Ah, nevermind. I found it. It was by my bed. I don't remember putting it there. Odd." Regis remarked. When he lifted his bag, he noticed that it seemed heavier than usual. "Very odd indeed." He whispered. Regis shrugged and looped his bag over his shoulder. Regis walked down the stairs and entered the main hall. Geralt spotted him and gained a horrified expression._

 

_"Don't take that with you." Geralt faltered._

 

_"How come?"_

 

_"The bag is infected with rabies." In all honesty, that was probably the worst lie Geralt ever told and he knew it._

 

_"Goodbye and good day, Geralt." Regis turned and walked out the door._

 

_~~~~~~~~_

 

_"Regiiis!" Detlaff tacklehugged Regis from behind._

 

_"Detlaff! So good to see you!" Regis twisted his body around so he could reciprocate the hug._

 

_"How have you been?"_

 

_"I've been doing good lately, but…"_

 

_"But…?"_

 

_"I'll tell you over breakfast. How long have you been back?"_

 

_"About a month. I would have told you I came back as soon as I did, but I've been extremely busy."_

 

_The vampires walked into the restaurant, where they were greeted by a friendly waiter._

 

_"Welcome to the Wooden Spoon, the only place in the world where when you take a bite out of our food, time stands still! I'm Gaunter O'Dimm! How can I help you?"_

 

_"We would like a table for two, please." Detlaff spoke._

 

_"Ah, follow me." Gaunter turned and sauntered off, with Regis and Detlaff in tow. As they were walking through the Wooden Spoon, Regis observed that the restaurant was medium in size, with tables and chairs arranged in an organized fashion. The walls were painted a light shade of blue, with various paintings from local artists hanging from them, some of them marked for sale. Although there were plenty of people dining here, there wasn't too many of them to cause either vampire trouble with their senses. Large crowds tend to make both of them go into a sensory overload._

 

_O'Dimm stopped at a table and gestured to it. It was a high table with two respectively high chairs across facing each other. "Here you go! I'll give you two some time to decide what you want." With that, O'Dimm produced two menus from behind his back, laid them on the table and then left._

 

_Regis and Detlaff took their seats at the table, and Regis set his bag down on the table. "I swear I've heard that name before. I don't remember where, though." Regis commented as he watched Gaunter attend to some customers._

 

_"He's a little famous around these parts, mainly due to this restaurant, but also because he sells beautiful mirrors. When we leave I'll show you one I bought from him."_

 

_"Anyway, what is happening in your life? How have things changed for you?"_

 

_"Let's see, after the whole Beast fiasco, I got out of Touissant for a while. I travleled to Nazair, where I stayed for a few months, then when everything colled down here I came back." Detlaff said as he read the menu._

 

_"What was Nazair like?" Regis scanned the menu. "What is an "eggs benedict?""_

 

_"Eggs with ham and half a biscuit. Anyway, in Nazair there are blue roses everywhere. The air constantly smells of flowers and pastries, and it doesn't stink, unlike some other places I've been." Detlaff shuddered at the memory of some of the less sanitary places he's been._

 

_"That sounds lovely! Did you get any blue roses?"_

 

_"No, sorry."_

 

_"Ah, that's a shame. I would have liked to see one."_

 

_"If I had known you wanted to see one, I would have brought one back."_

 

_"It's alright. What brings you back to Touissant? Nazair seems like the kind of place that would suit you."_

 

_"I did enjoy living there. However, I needed to return here. There is… There are multiple people here that I do not wish to abandon."_

 

_"Am I one of them?"_

 

_"Of course you are." Detlaff said with a smile._

 

_Regis smiled back. "Who else is on your list, if you don't mind me asking?"_

 

_Detlaff fidgeted in his seat. He tapped the corner of his menu on the table. Right then, Gaunter O'Dimm walked back to their table, saving Detlaff from having to answer the question. "Are you ready to order?"_

 

_Regis and Detlaff put down their menus. "I would like Nilfgaardian gingerbread toast, three pieces, with scrambled eggs." Detlaff spoke first._

 

_"I would like the eggs benedict and the "Skull Pancakes," without the strawberry jelly."_

 

_"Ah, excellent choice! Our specialty pancakes are so good your soul will be sucked straight out of your body!"_

 

_"What?" Regis looked at Gaunter, confused._

 

_"He says odd things like that all the time. It's best not to draw too much attention to it."_

 

_"Oh, alright, I guess. You act like you've been here before. Have you?" Regis said as Gaunter left._

 

_"Yes. It's my… my friend's favorite restaurant, and it's quickly becoming my favourite restaurant, too."_

 

_"Your friend? Are, by any chance, romantically inclined towards you?"_

 

_"NO." Detlaff blurted a little too quickly._

 

_"And are you romantically inclined towards them?"_

 

_"NOPE."_

 

_"So there is no romance between you two? No spark that makes you want to kiss them and hold their hand?"_

 

_"Well, I, uh, um… there is someone." Detlaff started blushing up a storm, and if he could he would be sweating._

 

_Regis leaned forward in curiosity. "Go on."_

 

_"Nevermind."_

 

_"Now I'm curious. Who is it that could get you so flustered just by thinking about them?"_

 

_"No one." Detlaff scratched the back of his head and looked out the window._

 

_"You can tell me, I can keep a secret." Regis pursed his lips. "It's not Syanna, is it?"_

 

_"No, no, it's not her. I've gotten over her."_

 

_"Then who is it?"_

 

_"…Let's just say there's been a lot of legal issues regarding him, alright?"_

 

_"Alright, alright. I won't press any further. Oh look, our food has arrived."_

 

_Gaunter O'Dimm sauntered over to their table, two plates full of food in hand. He placed the meals in front of their respective customers. "Enjoy!"_

 

_Detlaff and Regis immediately picked up a fork and knife and started eating. The food was, indeed, delicious._

 

_"Why did I not come to this restaurant sooner? This food is absolutely delectable."_

 

_"I know." Detlaff looked around for his drink, but there was none on the table. "Shit, we forgot to order drinks."_

 

_"Don't worry, I always bring my mandrake cordial with me wherever I go. It's in my bag." Regis reached into his bag and felt something large, cold and metallic, something that shouldn't have been there. "What in the…?" Regis pulled his bag closer to him and peeked inside. What he saw made him facepalm with the hand that didn't touch It._

 

_"Regis?"_

 

_"Remind me to punch Geralt in the face and call him an idiot."_

 

_"…Did he put something in your bag?"_

 

_"Yes. Don't take anything out of it, just look inside." Regis pushed the bag towards Detlaff. When Detlaff saw the object inside, he shared a look with Regis._

 

_"So… I'm assuming Geralt is responsible?"_

 

_"Yes. And this isn't even the first time he's done something like this."_

 

_"Is that the "Trouble in Paradise" you mentioned earlier?"_

 

_"Yes. Yes it is. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to step away for a moment and wash my hands."_

 

\----------

 

"I almost showed a sex toy in public, which last time I checked was socially unacceptable!"

 

"I tried to get you to leave the bag, but you didn't listen to me." Geralt avowed.

 

"Because that public near-embarassment was my fault."

 

"Children, please! Don't fight! Behave!" Marlene held out her arms as though she was trying to stop a phsyical altercation. "There is still so much for me to go over!" When they wouldn't stop arguing, Marlene decided to resort to an extreme method. Blackmail. "IF YOU TWO DON'T SHUT UP I WILL SHOW EVERYONE YOUR DRAWINGS OF EACH OTHER! ESPECIALLY THE NAUGHTY ONES!" Marlene pulled out two separate journals, one with Regis' name on it, the other with Geralt's. "I'VE GOT THEM RIGHT HERE. DON'T THINK I WON'T DO IT."

 

Both men clammed up. "A-alright, we won't fight, just don't show anyone." Regis stammered.

 

Marlene smirked. "Good children." She put the journals down and picked up a paper with two women on it. "Now, I will teach you about lesbian and gay sex, because literally everyone in the world will teach you about straight sex, but no one knows anything besides that."

 

A pause. Marlene picked up a sheet of paper with two women kissing on it. "I will make this brief, due to neither of you being women. In lesbian sex, there is no penis, so women usually stick their hands or their tongues inside each other's vaginas. You might be asking, "why would you lick a vagina?" The answer to that is because it feels good to both women. And when they do the circle thing… Mmm, yeah." Marlene shook her head to clear her dirty thoughts. "Sometimes, they use a dildo to put into a vagina. This does not mean they're into guys, so don't try to have sex with a lesbiam, damn it. Seriously, that should be common sense."

 

Marlene put that page down and held up a new one that depicts two men kissing. "Now, as for gay sex, there are penises, but no vagina, so what do you do? It's simple, you either stroke the penis a lot, you suck on it like Geralt seems to enjoy, or…" Marlene paused for dramatic effect. "You stick a penis in a special hole. You see, vaginas and mouths aren't the only things you can stick a penis into. You can also stick penises into buttholes! How is this possible? With what I call "finger prep" and a generous amount of sexual lubricant. First, you coat your fingers in lube. Then, you stick your fingers inside the butthole. And then you move your fingers back and forth making a scissoring motion until the butthole is spread nice and wide. Then, you coat your penis with lube and slowly put it inside the butthole. You'll know what to do from there."

 

"I see." Geralt remarked.

 

"Oh, I bet you do. Or at least you knew the general idea."

 

\-----------

 

_Marlene has a particular talent which has served her well over the years. She has a knack for being in the right place at the right time, whether it's to hear juicy gossip, find delicious food, or detect a potential couple. In this particular case, she's found herself to be in an extremely amusing situation. She was walking around the property, bored out of her mind, when in the distance she saw him. Geralt was sitting at a picnic table gazing at the Gold Stick of Joy like it's the most amazing things in the entire world, and he appeared to be writing down notes on it, too._

 

_"So you're still on that, huh? Wonder how you haven't figured out what it is, yet." Marlene mumbled._

 

_Geralt suddenly got up, put his notes away, and left with the Stick. Marlene, curious about his plans for the stick, followed him from a distance. She reached into the pouch she wore on her hips and pulled out a small spyglass, which she always kept on her for good luck. She put the spyglass to her eye and watched Geralt._

 

_Geralt, from what she could tell, appeared to be heading in Regis' direction. Regis was kneeling down and examining a little girl's arm. The girl appeared to have a large burn, but even with the spyglass Marlene had trouble telling. Regis took off his purse and searched it for something. He pulled out something that Marlene would recognize anywhere, for she had used a lot of it when she was a teenager._

 

_A jar of petroleum jelly. It even appeared to be made by the same family Marlene would buy petroleum jelly from._

 

_Marlene giggled to herself. "Now why would you take out the lu- Oh yeah, it treats burns."_

 

_Regis set down the slippery ointment on the grass next to him and said something which Marlene would never be able to make out at this range. Considering he's a doctor, Marlene hazarded a guess that Regis was asking the girl how she got the burn. Marlene spied Geralt drawing near the two and she focused her spyglass on Geralt._

 

_Geralt stopped, and he appeared to be sizing up the situation. Both waited a while for something to happen, then Geralt tip-toed towards Regis and put the Stick next to the petroleum jelly while Regis was busy getting some bandadges from his purse, then Geralt sprinted away. Marlene put her hand in her mouth to stifle her laughter._

 

_"Did-did he just…? Did he just do that?" Marlene giggle-snorted after she took her hand out of her mouth._

 

_Regis looked around for the source of the whoosing noise, and whoever said "whoosh whoosh" while presumably running away. (Marlene could hear Geralt screaming "WHOOSH" even though she was a considerable distance from him.) Regis facepalmed and the little girl laughed when they saw Geralt running away, then the vampire reached towards the jelly, but he froze when he touched the Stick. Marlene glanced over at Geralt and saw him watching Regis a short distance away with his notes and a quill out. Marlene refocused her attention on Regis and saw him shaking his head and wiping his hand on the grass. He picked up the jelly and spread it over the girl's burn, then he bandaged the girl's arm and sent her away._

 

_Regis grabbed the Stick by the base and stalked towards Geralt, his face and body language clearly radiating impatience. Geralt, however, reacted quickly to the angry vampire and ran away screaming. Regis didn't bother with going after him, and instead dropped the Stick, dig a hole into the dirt, put his head inside, and screamed so loudly Marlene could hear him._

 

_When Regis popped his head out of the hole, Marlene quickly put her spyglass away, just before he noticed her. Marlene pretended that she wasn't just watching himand filed her nails with an imaginary emery board. Regis picked the Stick back up and came up to her. He looked pissed._

 

_"Could you please return this to Geralt and tell him that if he puts this anywhere near me again I will take this Stick and shove it where the sun doesn't shine?" Regis, despite his anger, kept his cool towards Marlene and held the Stick out towards her._

 

"I will personally make sure he gets this back." Marlene took the Stick from his hand. When Regis didn't immediately leave, Marlene licked the head of the Stick. Regis almost instantly turned into fog and flew away. "I won't send him the threat, though." Marlene whispered when she was sure Regis was out of earshot. She giggled, then she laughed, then she cakled.

\----------------

 

"So you DIDN'T deliver the warning?" Regis looked at Marlene with wide eyes, as if he couldn't believe that Marlene would screw with people just for a laugh.

 

"Nope! I didn't! Why? Because I wanted to see what would happen. And hooooo boy, something happened." Marlene disclosed to the men. She tugged on the collar of her dress, the room suddenly becoming unbearably hot.

 

Geralt became embarrassed and Regis was visibly saddened after thinking about the one incident. They both highly regreted that day, each of them thinking that what happened was their fault.

 

"Now there, children, we can avoid another incident like that. We just need to learn about consent. Do you know what consent is?"

 

"A verbal or written agreement for something to happen or to do something." Regis murmured. He couldn't make eye contact with anyone.

 

"That's the dictionary definition right there. Here, this will cheer you up." Marlene tried to give him the last pornographic novel in the series. When Regis didn't even acknowledge it, she set it down on the table in front of him. "Consent is important in every aspect of our lives, especially in sex. If there is no consent, then sex is not sex. It is rape, and rape is a horrific experience I wish no one has to go through, but as long as there are manbabies, there will be rape. Wow, that got dark fast."

 

"I can't help but feel as though I raped Geralt." Regis mentioned.

 

"Regis, look at me. You didn't rape me, you didn't take off my clothes, hell, you even put clothes on. All you did was smack me around. You. Didn't. Rape. Me."

 

"Aren't you mad at me for that, though?" Confused, Regis questioned Geralt.

 

"No. You were completely justified and I forgive you."

 

Regis looked away from Geralt, still completely ashamed of himself. His eyes were downcast, and his shoulders were slumped.

 

"Have you two worked things out yet?" Marlene asked. When no one responded, she spoke again. "I'll take that as a yes. I don't have any visuals for this, but, um, consent in sex boils down to yeses, nos, and maybes. In order for sex to be consensual, all parties involved must say yes. If someone says yes to something, go ahead and do it. If someone says no, then don't do it. If someone says maybe, then slow things down for them. If someone says yes at first, but says no later, stop doing that thing. And tone is important, too. If someone says yes, but they look or sound hesitant and/or unsure, don't do that thing they say they agree to, because chances are they don't actually want to do it. Just because someone doesn't say no, it doesn't automatically mean yes. In fact, consent is never given automatically. Agreeing to something one day doesn't mean you agree to it on another. And if someone isn't sober in any way, shape, or form, that means they can't give consent."

 

"Another thing I should add is that if you hold power over someone, like, say, a boss, a religious leader, or someone that is incredibly strong that has been in many fights, then the someone they want to have sex with will likely not be able to consent properly. They will feel as though they have to have sex with them, so they will, even if they don't actually want to."

 

"I breached Geralt's consent. I hurt him."

 

"Hey hey hey, Geralt breached your consent, alright? No one blames you for reacting the way you did. Not even Geralt."

 

\---------

_One of Geralt's lesser known bad traits is that when someone asks him a question he doesn't know the answer to, he will spend weeks at a time obsessively trying to find the answer to that question, even if they request him to stop. He will use every method available to try to find the answer, even if his only method at times is to ponder endlessly. This is why he is performing one final test to see if the Stick is truly a vampire repellant._

 

_In order to confirm that the Stick really does repel vampires, it can't be seen by Regis. That means that Geralt could not afford for the Stick to be seen by Regis again. If it is, it would screw up the entire experiment. It has to be in the perfect location where it could both affect Regis and be completely hidden from him. That is why Geralt is in the washroom, (which served the purpose of a second dining room when guests are over) scratching his head trying to figure out the best spot for the Stick. Regis usually comes over to there at this time so that he could wash his hands, then he cooks and eats lunch. Why he rarely lets Marlene cook for him, Geralt doesn't know, nor does he bother to care._

 

_The washroom consisted of a divider in the doorway for privacy, a small-ish bathtub in the middle, a low table with various bathing supplies on it next to the tub, and a washbasin on a stand to the side. A portrait of Geralt reclining naked on a griffon hung on the left wall. A few candles emitting the scent of lavender were lit and placed in strategic positions around the bathtub. Normally, BB would hang out just outside it unless someone was bathing or otherwise using it, but today he was conspicuosly absent._

 

_"Fuck, this is gonna be harder than I thought." There were few hiding places for the Stick, and fewer still that it wouldn't be spotted immediately in. "I don't have a whole lot of time until Regis gets here."_

 

_"Yeah, you don't." Marlene unexpectedly walked in. "Regis is going to arrive here any second now."_

 

_"Oh shit!" Geralt looked around, forced to decide where to put the Stick. His eyes landed on the tub. "Let's hope Regis doesn't feel like taking a bath." Geralt placed the Stick in the tub, quickly left the washroom, and sat down at the main dining table and attempted to act casual, while Marlene calmly exited and leaned against the wall that the door to the outside was attached to._

 

_Regis slammed the door open, nearly hitting Marlene in the face. He stepped inside, carrying two buckets of water in each hand. BB, carrying a bucket of water in each hand, and a servant carrying a large, full bag that smelled of plants and earth were trailing behind him._

 

_"Good grief, I am filthy! I should not have gone crawling through a small, dank, muddy cave to get some herbs. Now I need a bath." Regis was, indeed, dirty from head to toe. His clothes were almost completely brown with muck, there was drying mud in his hair, and various streaks of soil stained his face. "Milly, you can put my herbs down on the table. I can get them later. BB, please help me fill the tub and then when we're done, could you please gather my clothes and take them to the launders?"_

 

_"Yes, sir." BB followed Regis to the washroom, with Marlene shadowing behind them both. When BB and Regis reached the bathtub, Regis set down his buckets, while BB poured her buckets into the tub, squeezed liquid soap into the water, and stirred with his hand. Neither of them noticed the shiny golden object sitting innocently in the tub that somehow was not knocked over by the water rushing in._

 

_"After you're done, why don't you take the rest of the day off? Running around for over an hour looking for specific herbs can be exhausting. Believe me, I'm tired from all that and I dare say that not only am I used to such endeavors, I am also physically "fit," as the youth would say."_

 

_"Now that you mention it, I am pretty sleepy." BB mumbled as he poured the rest of the buckets in. When he was done, he looked to be at a loss as to what to do._

 

_"Turn around now. I'll get undressed and put my clothes into your hands so that you can protect your eyes." Regis suggested. BB turned around and put his hands up so that his palms were facing upward, his elbows bent, and his upper arms by his chest. Regis undressed completely, and deposited his grimy clothes into BB's arms from behind._

 

_Without daring to look anywhere but forward, BB walked out the washroom and into the main hall, where his perverted best friend,who was leaning on the wall dividing the washroom and the miniroom that leads to the kitchen, leered at him. Geralt was silently freaking out on the table because of some unknown reason. BB, without bothering to ask questions knowing he probably didn't want to know anyway, strode out of the building to go to the launders._

 

_Marlene took one look at Geralt and whispered to him, "Run, boy, while you still have the chance."_

 

_Geralt obeyed and ran out the door as quickly as his legs could possibly carry him. Marlene, however, stayed behind. She had a plan. Or at least as much of a plan as she could have when coming up with up only minutes before._

 

_Regis, hardly having any energy left in his body, stumbled into the tub and plopped down, hard. That's when he felt it. He screamed._

 

_When Geralt heard Regis scream, he thought the greatest mistake he had ever made was putting the Stick in the tub. But he was wrong. That was the second greatest mistake he had ever made._

 

 _The greatest mistake in his life had been putting the Stick down on its base so that the tip pointed upwards_. 

 


	3. Chapter 3

"H-he, oh my lord, he… HA HA HA! HE, snrrt, HE WAS LIKE, "I'M GONNA KILL YOU" BUT HE WAS, HE WAS NAKED SO… HA HA HA! He knocked the tub over and he, ha ha ha, he forgot didn't have a towel because he didn't request one, so he just ran out naked, and then he, ha ha, he growled at me and ran upstairs to get some pants, b-but I stole his clothes, so he couldn't, ha ha, he couldn't get dressed, and somehow he knew and he grabbed me and I was legitimately fearing for my life, but he let me go and I guess he started chasing after you, because, HA HA HA, BECAUSE AT LEAST FIFTEEN SERVANTS AND A HORSE WERE SCARRED FOR LIFE!!! HA HA HA!!! LET ME TELL YOU, REGIS! YOU HAVE A GREAT ASS!!!"

 

"I still have bruises from that day." Geralt muttered.

 

"Geralt, once again I would like to apologise for my behavior that day. Normally I wouldn't hurt you, but I lost control of my anger. I humbly beg your forgiveness, but I understand if you do not wish to give it. I also understand if you don't want me around anymore." Regis bowed his head towards Geralt, not making eye contact with him.

 

"We've been through this several times, it's alright. I forgive you. I deserved all of that anyway." Geralt patted Regis on the arm, his hand lingering for a few seconds before retreating.

 

"What exactly did he do to you?" Marlene asked Geralt.

 

"He turned me on my knee and spanked me. Hard." Geralt's heartrate picked up a bit at the memory.

 

"Naked?" Marlene's face took on its signature pervy look of raised eyebrows and a wide grin.

 

It took Geralt a moment to realise she meant Regis. "No, he was clothed." Geralt left out the part where Regis was wearing his coat and only the coat. No need to give Marlene more reason to be a pervert.

 

"Uh huh, I bet he wasn't fully clothed, hohoho." Unfortunately, Marlene saw right through Geralt's ruse. "I doubt he had enough time to get fully dressed."

 

"Could you not… be like that? I highly regret that the incident took place at all and I would like for everyone to move past it." Regis stammered. He would rather discuss anything but that.

 

"Alright, alright, I understand. I was finishing up the lesson anyway." With that, Marlene started packing up the stuff she had brought to her talk. "By the way guys, I have to ask, are you two really a couple?"

 

"No, we are not and we likely never will be." Regis stated. "Even if we did get together, I would likely be abusive towards him, and we would both be unhappy. After all, I have hurt him before, multiple times."

 

"Regis…" Geralt whimpered.

 

"It's for the best if we stay friends. I do not wish to hurt you, especially when it's unnecessary."

 

"Regis, you can't-" Marlene was cut off by Regis shushing her.

 

"No more on this topic. I am very tired and I need to rest. Good night, you two." Regis gathered up the books Marlene gave him and retired to the guest room.

 

"I should probably head to bed as well." Geralt dejectedly sighed. He tried to keep his heartbreak from reaching his face, but Marlene could see heartbreak on anyone, for she had experienced heartbreak many times during her life. "Good night Marlene." Geralt shuffled out of the hall and into the master bedroom.

 

"Oh sweet Lebioda, I may have royally fucked up." Marlene muttered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun dun DUUUUNNNNNN! And here we have a sad ending! Don't worry, they don't stay sad for long, and neither will you, because I have already written the first chapter for the next fic, and I will publish it soon.


End file.
